We all have wild and crazy ideas, I mean, imagine a world without 'em? Mediocre, right? A world without Tolkien's Middle Earth or Lewis' Narnia. Imagine a world without Rice's seductively captivating Lestat or Martin's incestuous twin Lannister siblings. The world's greatest masterpieces were initially deemed insane, crazy, and maybe even blasphemous, but in commonality, they've all made this mediocre of a planet far more interesting.
Imagine. That's perhaps my second favorite word in the dictionary (next to "sparkle", all the rest of my favorite words are in the Urban Dictionary. *sneer). My mind (and I hope yours too) feeds on imagination. The frequently common one being "Mom's broccoli beef steak" for dinner. Imagination sets our minds to worlds that are deemed, well, figments of our very own imaginations.
Dragons, edible unicorn excrement, hookah smoking caterpillars and (heck!) even being lap-teased by a three-tit pleasure android, all our imagination are pointed to the same direction... erection. Hah! Not that kind, you insufferable green-minded monkey! Erection, that sudden surge of excitement not only on the human erogenous zones but ALSO on those neurotransmitters in the brain which indeed plays a major role in basic human... imagination. Anything that "stiffens" or "stands" on any known and unknown stimuli is technically called an erection. Imagine being in a cemetery at 3 in the morning (that's 3am!) when a sudden gust of breeze passes making those mockingly frightful mango leaves rustle and sway. In that exact moment, the almost-bogus hair on the nape of your neck would then start to "erect", why? Precisely because you were imagining freaky shenanigans like waking corpses or the eventual whispers of ghosts in desperate need of your mortal help.
Imagination is what sets us apart from... Stephanie Meyer. Joke! Really, I'm straying away from my main point here, so, here goes...
Zombie pandemic apocalypse. Every sadists' dream come true, being able to bash their undead calculus teachers' head until every bit of brain matter comes splashing on their faces! Yeap! How very exciting! But really, when everything isn't just for the cause of a blockbuster hit or a team-rpg survival game, HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!?
George Romero would probably advise us to"go hide on your roof" or "lock yourselves in the nearest town grocery", but guess what, George?! None (or maybe just one or 2) of those who heeded your advise ever survived!
In the light of the prominent "The Walking Dead" series, it's best to also stay indoors or in a gregariously easily governed group. Travel by armored vehicles (Resident Evil) and shoplift every armory for weapons. Yes, yes, the very idea works, but in groups of random strangers sticking out for each other's survival, zombies are probably the lesser concern. You see, while zombies only want to eat your flesh and fatty brains out, the surviving humans want so much more. Food, your best fiend's wife and son, the pastor's daughter, fuel, a melee... The list just goes on!
So, in culmination, NO ONE SURVIVES a zombie apocalypse, not unless your name is Shaun or you have heterochromia. No One! Not even big B.M. himself... Bill Murray.
But hey! No one practically wants to die a boring death, eh? So here, here is my (and friends') "Idiot's guide to Zombie Apocalypse Survival":
- Leave your homes and make haste for the the nearest wholesale grocery stores. And with that:
- Find a working automobile
- Drive like a crazy ass drunk... no wait...
- Weaponize your working automobile... then drive like a crazy ass drunk divorcee on his way to the nearest gun shop
- If grocery stores don't tick, go to the nearest gun shop.
- Get a boat and travel to an isolated island where the fishes, birds, livestock and all possible human digestive consumption are also feeding on dead and infected zombie decays... or you can always horde all you can and then... get on a boat...blah!
- I guess bathing on zombie organs would get you through your average daily brisk walk in the park... good luck on the barfing part though... and rain.
- Rooftops! Yes. But NEVER forget food!
- Cross out Angelina as your best friend and replace her with a baseball bat... melee!
- Mind your own weapon of choice! Grandfather's 47-year old machete is mine... slash!
- An infection-free locality is not possible, unless you're in... Disneyland! *shrug
- When bitten, you'd know what to do... or you can always wait for Juan Pedro to blow your brains out eventually!
- sv_cheats1 always works! Always!
All in all, the only way to survive a zombie apocalypse is to... survive. And hey! Zombies are physically decaying by the minute, but if you have all the time and energy, you can waste them on hording, killing and migrating, and if not, there's always... I don't... really know.
But then again, I guess it's a relief that all these morbid mayhem are all imagination, right?
*silence
Right?
*slight shrug
RIGHT?????
*jeng jeng jeeeeeeng!
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